I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
