my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
