Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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