So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
