This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
