I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
