does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
