Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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