Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
