If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
