Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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