Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
