I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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