Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
