I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
