After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Vodka?
Forever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
