laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
