Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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