The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
