i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
