She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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