I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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