can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
