I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize