Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
