He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
