I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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