When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I AM VODKA MAN
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
