I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Go christen that room with your naked body.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
