You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
