We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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