so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
