I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
