All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
