im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
