I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
