if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize