Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
