ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
