so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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