FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
