I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
