Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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