I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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