Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
