omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
