This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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