she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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