theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
