honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
