im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
