I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
