Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
