took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
