I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
