why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
