I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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