I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize