His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
