I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pants are for mortals
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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