The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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